The Unchance Doorways.

I am a little bit obsessed with so many things about this silly little life that I have made for myself. I have decided to embrace the unchance of it all. I feel that it is my duty to create any word that I desire. I do not believe that there are rules one must follow with language. The infinite ways to express oneself can (maybe) only be found throughout the infinite vastness of our future eternities. If "chance" is such a common word and belief held among so many of the inhabitants of this planet - then "unchance" is my word for the evening. I do not believe that anything is done by chance, or that there are moments that should be replaced, or relived. I believe now - more than ever before -

that everything happens for a reason.

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I have been consistently amazed with our Savior, our creator of this world. I am amazed that He lives by this principle and can take the most wicked, heartbreaking, lonely, disturbing, sorrowful moments of our lives and turn them into something beautiful.

Patience is what is required by our finite mortal capacities...

our limited minds, our closed hearts, our fearful souls.

The twenty first chapter of the book of Luke teaches us

that in patience, we posses our soul.

The patience of the last twenty three of my life has taught me the lesson of this evening:

that everything happens for a reason.

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I have recently asked myself the question... what if I had no fear?
Fear is limiting my faith, it is holding back the progression of my life. I am terrified that the Lord has no plan for me... that my life is controlled by this concept of chance, rather than by choice. Do I honestly believe that God has it all in control? If I did hold this belief system - then fear should not be found in the blood that pumps throughout the veins in my tired body. And yet fear is what I am bleeding all the time… and it is starting to make it hard for me to breathe.

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I have had a spectacular life… I plan on it unfolding into even a more complex and beautiful web of related and unchance experiences in which I am surrounded by the grace of God. I know that He must love me… because He is so involved in my existence even though {honestly} my existence has not amounted too much. And it blows my mind that the God that is my Father feels this way about all of our silly little lives.

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I have never been a goal setting kind of girl. I am not a creature of routine. I have for most of my life jumped off the cliff’s edge hoping against hope that I will be caught before I fall. I pray I land where I need to. I sing all the way down. I have lived this way for a while and it has produced too many bumps and bruises, some deep and painful. I would be a fool to commit to completely give up my "cliff jumping" days... I was created with spontaneous skin that is nourished by the rush of wind and the adrenaline of falling so fast all you see is a blur of color. Knowing this, I must admit - one of the valuable lessons that my mission taught me was that goals can be useful. Our covenants to achieve goals are what can save us. Our goals are like the parachutes we bring along when we cliff jump.

They help prevent the inevitable splattered condition of our souls.

{It is common knowledge that full recovery

from the splattered condition is impossible.}

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and so, I am weaving together my bright and colorful parachute.

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My current goals…

To be able to fit into my pre-mission jeans.

To ride in a hot air balloon.

To figure out where I belong.

To slow dance in the middle of the street.

To find something useful to do with my love.

To get back to feeling like a child,

to be able to feel like this...

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